Stay
by Gerik's Angel
Summary: Jim finally tells her what has been dragging him down for too long. But how will Pam take it? A three parter. Now completed.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey all! I spent the last three days trying to come up with an Office Fic. I wrote about five and then deleted them all because I couldn't get them to satisfaction, or I'd get overly frustrated. And then I wrote this in about a half hour. It's based loosely on a song that I was listening to and thought that it could work for Jim and Pam. Although, the song is quite short and only gave me ideas for the beginning, middle, and very end, but nothing to connect the three, I had to improvise a lot, and therefore that's why I don't call this a song fic in any way. So here's hoping I did a good job of this. For some reason, I couldn't get myself to delete this one, so here it is. I hope you enjoy it! **

Disclaimer: As always, I still don't own The Office or it's characters

**Stay**

Jim stuck his hand in his pockets and walkedhurriedpast the reception desk. It was all he needed to add to his raging headache - to fill his mind with those words...the words that would eventually kill him if he listened long enough. Once at his desk, he quickly put on his headphones, turning on his ipod.

"You cant listen to that here." Dwight said quickly. "This is work, Jim, in case you haven't noticed."

Jim made the music go louder, until it hurt his ears. And then he pointed to the sides of his head as he shook it, mouthing the words, 'I...cant...hear...you!'

And he really couldn't. Dwight went on, obviously getting infuriated, but all Jim could make out was his mouth going on and on.

He just wasn't in the mood. Not anymore. Pranks seemed pointless. Jokes just lame. Too much had changed now.

"No way, lavender? Oh, that would look great! What about for the maid of honor?"

How was it that an ipod's volume at the max still couldn't zone out Kelly's voice? Groaning, he turned to the computer. Maybe if he got absorbed in a rousing game of solitaire, the office would fade away until it was almost tolerable. Maybe he could take the day off. It was a Friday - he'd have a three day weekend. Checking the clock, he saw that it was only ten thirty. He had been gloomy and aggravated enough all day to pull off a cold in front of Michael.

And yet it didn't seem worth the effort. Sitting here was fine. Quickly, without Dwight seeing, he unplugged his phone. There, now he would have nothing to interrupt his drowning.

Drowning...in what? Shaking his head, he cleared that thought too. He didn't want to think deeply today. He had thought long enough to give him this head ache. Now he just wanted to stop. Stop it all. To forget everything.

That trip to Australia never looked so good.

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"Hey Jim." Pam said in her cheerful voice as she walked in the lunch room. Seeing her made him throw his sandwich pack in the bag - he wasn't hungry any more. Grabbing his coke, he twisted it in his hands.

"Hey." Came his simple reply.

But she seemed bothered by him. "What's wrong?" She asked, sliding in to a chair across from him with her bag of chips.

He shrugged. "Nuthin."

"Seems it. You've been acting...weird."

"Got a headache, that's all. Storm outside isn't helping the mood either."

She shook her head. "No, it's not that."

He perked an eyebrow, urging her to continue. How would she know?

"You've been acting like this for a while now. What happened to the happy-go-lucky Jim that we all know and love?"

He looked up at her in surprise, just long enough to see her eyes go wide, then blush as she ducked her head.

"Maybe where the happy-go-lucky Pam is." He muttered, not realizing it at first that he had actually said it outloud. Now it was her turn to be taken by surprise.

"What do you mean? I'm happy. I'm still cheerful."

But he just shook his head, as he stared at his coke. "No your not. But hey, we shouldn't get in to this. It's none of my business anyway." With that, he stood up and started to walk away when he stopped at her voice.

"No! No, Jim, I want to hear what you were going to say. Why don't you think that I'm happy?"

He sighed, turning back. "You don't really want to hear what I have to say."

"Yeah Jim, I do. I really do. Tell me."

"I don't want to get in the middle of it. If you're really happy, then I don't want to make you down."

"But you said I'm not happy. Why aren't I?"

With a silent groan, he walked back to her so she stared up at him directly. "Because you know you'll regret this one day-"

"Wait, regret what?"

"You know what. The wedding. Marrying Roy. You'll regret it. Because Roy isn't the man for you. You know deep down that he isn't. But he's safe. You're not risking losing anything from him. And you put in all this time in with him. You don't want to think that all those years were a waste. You saw it through with him for this long, you feel stuck. But that's not real love, Pam. That's just playing it on the safe side. There is a part of you that don't want that life. That wants to take chances. That waits for the day when you get the courage up to fulfill all your dreams. I know you. I know your dreams. How you have always wanted to be a comic drawer. And how living in New York secretly excites you. And that part is going to surface one day. And then you'll regret your decisions of now. But that's just me. It don't matter what I think. If you truly believe you'll be happy with this, go for it. Don't let me stop you."

He hadn't looked at her. So when he did now, he saw her mouth ajar, her whole face registered in shock. And then her head started to slowly shake back and forth. "You're wrong." She said in a deadpan voice, her face very serious now, his words sinking in and defense taking over. "You're wrong. All wrong."

He shrugged. "Maybe I am. But I don't think so."

"You are!" She said louder, standing up, her cheeks going red. "You don't know me! I mean, how many times have you actually seen me outside of work? Like twice? Maybe three times? And they were still with everyone here! You know nothing! You've never even seen me in normal clothes! My closet's not all filled with grey skirts and peachy pink colored cardigans! You don't know what I like to do when I'm at home, or what my routine is or my favorite..." She stopped. For she was going to say her favorite book, her favorite movie. But he did know those. He knew her tastes in music, what she did when she got bored...

"Perhaps I don't." Jim said, just as serious as she, his gaze never leaving her eyes now. "Or perhaps you say this because you only hear what you want to. Because you're trying to be blind to everything going on. But what's more important here - does he know?"

He was implying Roy, she knew he was. So why didn't her mouth fly open again, words fluttering out in defense of her soon-to-be husband? Perhaps because she couldn't?

Her face suddenly fell, going a strange pale color.

He gently placed his hand on her wrist in light comfort. "Hey look, I'm leaving for Australia soon. But if you need anything..." His voice simply stopped at that.

What did that mean? That he'd help her until she left? Reminding her that he wouldn't be here forever to help her? Or that maybe he'd stay? No, he wouldn't stay. Not for her. He had been looking forward to this way too long.

But before she could ask for clarification, as if she would, heturned and left, Pam not daring to stop him again.

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	2. Chapter 2

"You know, I felt like with everything that was going on, that I really didn't belong here anymore. That I had to get away to somewhere that I _would_ fit in. But I'm leaving in like...what, three days? And now suddenly I feel like doing this is all wrong."

"Why?"

Jim shrugged. "Guess because I'm already missing her. No, not for those two weeks I'll be gone. But because I know these three days is the last time I'll be able to call her Beesley. To act normally to her. Well, as normal as it is now. Because after I get back, she'll belong to Roy. She'll have a different name. What's Roy's last name anyway? Funny that things like that never came up with us. I mean, he's been her fiancé forever. You'd think that I would know. But I haven't a clue, really." Suddenly Jim looked over. "You're not filming this, right? We're totally off record?"

The camera man assured the lie with a nod.

Jim shook his head. He was talking it out and getting comfort - from the camera man. The camera man! Had he really sunk so low? Was Pam really the only person he used to talk to when he needed to get something off his chest?

'_Guess I blew that bridge sky high.' _He thought whiskfully.

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"He says I only hear what I want to. That I'm trying to be _blind._ Who says that? I mean, really! I'm getting married in five days! And he wants to question me? And now? " Pam shook her head sadly. "Truth is, I see everything. I know everything that's going on. Like, I can see the distance that he's running to get away from me. To go anywhere.

I heard him that day - he didn't care where in the world he was going, as long as it was far from me. He's getting away from me. So what does that mean? That's what I don't understand! Does he really care? I'm only hearing negative from him now. Not just today, but it's been like that. All our inside jokes are gone. Everything fun we used to do is in the past. And now he just looks...like that. Like he's upset all the time. It's why I originally sat with him today - to make him be himself. But it only got worse! So now it's like...he's running away from me. And I hate this feeling. This feeling that I'm like...I don't know. Thrown? Yeah... I guess that's it. I'm thrown. And how do you get back up after that?"

The camera man shrugged in reply, his hand over the blinking red light of his device.

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"She said she was getting married, and I was like...well, that's okay. I can _make_ that okay. Because I'm like that. I can lie to myself, and it honestly works pretty well. I mean yeah, it wears down after a while. And it comes back to haunt me in the dead of night. But I thought Australia would help, you know? It's a totally different place. I'd always have something to focus on. But I didn't even make it to Australia. The defense shield has crumbled before I can even get on that plane. So what now? I thought, hey, I can leave. No problem. But it's like.._.I miss her._ Already I do. And what's worse...I'll come back, but she wont. She'll never...never come back"

Jim's mouth hung slightly in his realization, then looked up at the quiet man in front of him, nodding his head as if he understood.

What did he know? He was a camera man, that was all.

What did he know about such torture?

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"It was kinda an insult, though. I mean...he was basically saying I was completely naive! And here I was...finally growing up. You know? I thought I was being strong. I'm getting married! Isn't that being pretty courageous? You don't see Jim Halpert marrying!" Pam stopped, biting the corner of her bottom lip as thoughts ran through her head. "Of course...he is going to Australia. He hates flying, he told me before. And there it's winter and all, right now. And you need to get a money change too. So that's courageous. It is..." She let out a laugh, but it came out more like a sigh.

"And here I am, defending him. I couldn't defend Roy...but I can defend Jim?" This time, it was a heavy sigh that rose from her chest. "Some times I think that the only reason Roy proposed to me is because he's afraid to lose me. Not me, really. But to lose anyone. Anything. I mean, what would his friends say? They'd make fun of him nonstop. Jim said that I'm marrying Roy because of all the time I put in to him. But what if that's what's going on with Roy? What if he thinks 'well, I might as well after I put all this effort in to it.'" She shook her head to clear her thoughts. "I don't know. It's probably just cold feet. It's probably nothing. Stupid doubts, is all. It'll go away. It always does. Because I am courageous. I made a commitment, and I'm going to stick with it. And if that's not being brave and strong, tell me what is!"

Realizing how that sounded, she quickly cringed. "Wow...that came out wrong. Guess it's good this isn't recorded on tape, right?" She let out a light laugh.

The camera man nodded slightly, moving closer to the lens of his camera.

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	3. Chapter 3

Jim gripped the handle of his suitcase stronger in his sweaty palms. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door.

"Jim!" He heard his name called in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

His smile was weak for the receptionist. "Just grabbing some stuff that I forgot." he replied, then opening one of his drawers and unlocking the suitcase, putting a few things in.

"Hey, when's your plane?" Pam asked.

He quickly glanced up at the clock before continuing his packing, delaying his reply. "Two hours."

"Where are you leaving from?"

"Downtown." His voice wasn't like it usually was. It was dull, monotone. Not a hint of anything else.

"You'd think someone about to do the most exciting thing in his life would be a bit more...well, excited." She continued.

"Yeah, I was going to say the same about you." Again, he cringed. His mouth had succeeded in always remaining closed before. After all, isn't this why he hated his life right now? Because he couldn't speak up? Well then why couldn't it stop working now?

"Excuse me?" She sounded hurt, though he wouldn't look at her.

"I'm sorry." He said quickly.

"No your not."

That was it. He stood straight up and looked over at her. "No, you're right. I'm not."

Her forehead lost all of it's wrinkles. Instead, she now had a straight face, her eyes betraying her hiding her inner fear. "...What?"

He shook his head, shutting his suitcase and heading out. "Nothing. Forget it."

But she ran after him. What did he mean? "Jim! Jim stop! Wait! Jim!" After her last scream, he did, but he didn't turn to face her. "Yeah, Beesley?"

"What has been going on with you lately? The truth. What's wrong with you?"

And now he had to look. Had to, because he wasn't sure if he could say the words. Could she just read them out of his eyes? Weren't they obvious enough?

"You already know."

"No, I don't! Tell me."

"You say this, yet you don't want me to. You don't want to really know."

"I do, Jim! Just tell me!"

He shook his head. No, he wouldn't tell her. He'd hold out. It was too late anyway. What could be done now?

"Jim, please!" She was pleading now. Maybe she did want to know. Maybe she was looking for an escape. Maybe he should tell her once and for all. After all, how would it hurt him? He was leaving in two hours, gone for two weeks. Maybe more. Maybe forever.

So he grabbed her arm, pulled her close. And he hesitated. Looking in her eyes made him stop. It was wrong. It felt right, but it was wrong. "I cant." He said, biting the inside of his lip.

"Cant what?"

He closed his eyes. "You already know this. Why do you want me to say it? I can see it in your eyes - you know. You always have known. And now you beg be to tell you two days before your wedding."

Now she was biting her own lip, her eyes shifting.

"Pam...if you want me to stay here...I'll stay for good. You know what that means. You know I've been willing to for months. But you're going to be a bride in two days. You're marrying Roy. So there's nothing to really talk about."

"You're...you're right." She finally mumbled, seemingly surprised that they were having this conversation at all.

He nodded, and started to walk to the elevator.

"Can you just...say it?" She stumbled upon her words. Never had she pushed herself so far. _Why _was she pushing this? Why did she want to know?

Jim exhaled deeply. "Say what?"

"If I'm supposed to know all these things...well you should at least know what I'm talking about here. Say it."

"Why?"

She shook her head. "I don't know. I just want you to."

"Want me to do what, Pam? To tell you that I love you? That I have secretly adore you and always have? That I love the way you play solitaire on mute, only to put the volume up when a deck goes to the corner so you can hear that sound...that...weird sound...do it."

She grinned. "Ditditditditditditditditdit." her tongue clicked quickly against the roof of her mouth.

"Yeah...that sound. And how you dig the fruit up from the bottom of your berry yogurt so it's evenly distributed...without it going over the rim. I tried, I cant do it. Or how your perfect lunch is chips and a soda...and you can actually be filled with that. Or how you actually keep jelly beans on your desk, always stocked with the black ones sorted out of it, ever since I told you about how jelly beans were my favorite candy. Is that what you want me to tell you?"

Her eyes were filled with tears now as she stared back at him.

"If you're done...I got to go."

She watched him walk away, watched the doors of the elevator open, and then swallow him inside. And then with a cry, she let go of everything. Let go of her guard, her wall of protection, her cares.

And she shouted out.

"Jim!"

His finger quickly jabbed the open door button. "Yeah?" He asked, his brow furrowed.

Her mouth opened, but no sound came out.

"Pam?" He asked.

She licked her lips, trying to get it out, knowing if she didn't say it now, she'd lose everything.

"Jim..."

He waited, his grip on his bag getting lighter. _'Say it, Pam. You can do it.' _He silently willed.

She dug in her cardigan sweater and produced a DVD, showing him.

"What's that?" He asked, tilting his head.

"Uh...that camera man that was in a few days ago...he gave me this. It's...you."

"Me?" Jim knew what she was talking about, but he couldn't believe it. The camera man hadn't...

Her eyes finally met his. She breathed in deep. This was it. Just say it. Let go of that safety that you always cling to. Just let go. Take the jump. For once in your life, take a worth while risk.. Jim wouldn't let you fall. You had the DVD in your hands to prove it.

Her mouth opened, her hand slowly reached out.

"Stay."

The suitcase hit the floor.

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--End


End file.
